Hungry Breath

Before arriving in Japan, everyone talked about how easy it will be to lose weight just by being here. "Just look at all them slim Asian girls," they said. "They eat only fresh and healthy foods," they said.

Now on my one year anniversary, I can confidently reply "What a bunch of crock!"

There are two reasons alone that accounts for this skinny phenomenon. First, genetically they have smaller frames. And second, these beeches are hungry!

Even though they are born to be slim, Japanese women... and men are surprisingly obsessed over their weight and body images. Their obsession is over and above anything I've seen in the western world. In my opinion, it is fueled by the Asian fashion industry which regards a size 6 as an XL and makes it virtually impossible to get anything decent in larger sizes.

So I'm on the trains everyday, walking the streets everyday, working in the office everyday, being bombarded by it everyday: HUNGRY BREATH.

"Eat a sandwich," I scream in my head. "You know you're hungry. Eat a sandwich, or close your mouth, or get the hell away from me. Any one will do."

I'm almost at my breaking point here and having a "Bruce Wayne/Batman" moment. My Bat-cave is the Subway sandwich shop and my secret weapon is the teriyaki chicken 6" sub. My Assailant: Hungry Breath.

On the bright side, with all these halitosis monsters running around, my prospects of finding a good man here has increased exponentially.

The Fondling Train

When I first arrived here, I was appalled but amused at Japan's groping problem. I'm sure this isn't a new problem that just popped up. In fact, I bet that these women have allowed this to go on for years in fear of drawing attention to themselves and creating an embarrassing moment.

But not anymore. Now things are out in the open and women are fighting back. Women have been reported to chase down, pin and restrain their gropers. Some victims have even openly chastised their offenders, which is quite embarrassing given the Japanese culture of being polite and unassuming.

It's come to the point where the government has recognized it as needing remedial action. One course of action is designating "Women Only" cars on rush hour trains. These "safe zones" are the first and last cars of some trains and are fitted with pink upholstery and signs.

Far more interestingly, I read that they have now launched some "Perverts Only" cars. Of course, my friend and I have decided that if we happened upon it together, we would surely ride in it for at least a couple of stops or until we got touched inappropriately... whichever came first. Alas, it has never come our way and I'm beginning to wonder if it even exists.

Still, I've recently come to identify with these pervert freaks. What drives them to do these acts is sheer curiosity - one of the most primal instincts that we all are subjected to. Personally, staring at an endless sea of oddly shaped and flat *ah hem* butts causes me to wonder what they feel like. Are they hard, soft, curved, magical... ?

But don't worry, what separates me from the common freak is that I CAN restrain myself... or can I? :-s

Celebrate the Now

Right now the Caribbean is celebrating what we call "August Monday" when the slaves of the Caribbean was emancipated in 1834 (no need to check the date).

Anyway, at this same time the Japanese is going through some sort of fireworks festival. No, not to celebrate independence - cause they were never really colonized. They spend millions of dollars every year to produce, throughout the whole country, the most spectacular fireworks display ever seen anywhere, all in the name of Summer.

Huh?! You mean as in sun and sunshine? Yup, that's right.

Yes we should remember our history and celebrate our accomplishments, absolutely . But it's so refreshing the way the Japanese also celebrates "The Now". We just don't do it enough. Again, we can learn something from the Japanese.

In Japan we have Ocean Day, Green Day, Children's Day, and Health & Sports Day. All are public holidays - no kidding. Here someone doesn't always have to die to get a day of appreciation.

Name one western holiday that doesn't involve dead people.
Veterans day - soldiers dead
Columbus day - Columbus dead
Martin Luther King day - Dr. King dead
Presidents day - George Washington dead
Christmas day - Jesus dead at least once
Thanksgiving - Pilgrims and Indians - dead and dead

See. Told Yah.

So I urge you, don't let some official tell you when and what to celebrate. You celebrate the most precious moments of your life. This moment. Celebrate the Now!

Vending Machines

If aliens chose Tokyo as their first stop, they'd absolutely think that the planet was occupied by superior beings. They'd take one look at all the vending machines and turn right back around. No one can help but be impressed with the sheer number of machines and the unbelievable variety available here.

There are scattered all over the city, at least one on every block. In some places they are clustered in the same spot as if in a military line awaiting inspection. I read that there is 1 vending machine for every 20 people in Tokyo. Considering there is more than 12 million people in Tokyo alone, that means they've managed to squeeze more than 600,000 vending machines into an area slightly over 2,000 kmsq small. Amazing.

So what kinds are there?

Well, there is the cigarette vending machines I mentioned briefly in an earlier posting.

Then, of course, they have the ones that dispense beverages. Drinks include green tea, milk tea, chocolate milk, coffee, cafe au lait, water, soda, juice, sports drinks, energy drinks, beer, wine, whatever. But get this, they can dispense the drinks hot or cold. You can get them canned, bottled, boxed, or poured into a cup if that's what you fancy.

The list of what can be bought from these machines are exhausting. But here are the weirdest ones I've seen or heard of:

- Ready to eat foods like Instant Ramen noodles
- Uncooked bags of rice... not sure who needs to cook rice on the go
- Fresh fruits and vegetables which are restocked daily by local farmers
- Clean Underwear generally around hospitals for doctors/nurses and maybe visitors who can't get home
- Porn such as videos, books etc
- Designer condoms conveniently located between the drink and porn machines
- Used Underwear for those with that particular fetish

Alas, I must confess that I have let my readers down in not locating the Used Underwear machine. Along with my partner in crime, I scoured the grime of Tokyo in search of it with no success. But we haven't given up cause we've been reassured that it does exist.

Now I'm thirsty. Gonna grab a drink from the vending machine outside my building. Want anything?

Rapid Aging

Just got back from the US a couple of weeks ago. It was a fabulous trip in a number of ways. But I was most pleased with the recovery of my skin.

Since I moved to Japan, my skin had become extremely dry. It looked all wrinkly and gross. I was witnessing rapid aging right before my very eyes. Eek!

I really wasn't sure what was causing it and I was even less sure if it was a temporary symptom. I tried everything including an extensive array of moisturizers available here. Nothing seemed to work, it was devastating.

I slather on so much oil on my body that I was scared to use the stove or grill. No way would I be able to explain how I happened to catch on fire! Not in English, and certainly not in Japanese.

Fortunately, over my trip, it all went back to normal as if nothing ever happened. This is absolute proof to me that my grief was caused by the funky dry air in Japan.

Currently, though, I have no proof because it hasn't recurred since I got back.
But I'm not exaggerating. This was really happening to me.
I seriously need to get out of this place if only for the sake of my own vanity. HELP ME...

Only in Japan - Part 1 - The Compact Mirror

Very often I see Japanese women carrying around some huge "compact" mirrors the size of a 5-star notebook. I see when they whip them out on the train to make sure every hair is in place and their flawless makeup is indeed flawless.

It's very odd to me that these ladies feel a need to walk around with a mirror that size. Try and imagine. That's the equivalent of walking around with a big roll of aluminum foil. Or, it's like carrying around the Tokyo Phone Directory. I mean, it would be nice to have but do you really need it?

I understand taking a quick look at yourself to check for broccoli in your teeth or boogers in your nose. But, portable dresser mirrors are too much.

Of course that means these mirrors must also be accompanied by a hefty makeup kit with all the fittings. I'd give anything to have these ladies dump all the contents of their purses on the floor.

Because, if you think about it, they'll have:
1. The notebook compact mirror
2. Makeup bag (with eyelash curler et al.)
3. Cell phone (which are bigger here)
4. Pen and note pad (to take the numbers of cute guys)
5. Wallet
6. Keys
7. Tissues
8. Candy
9. Lotion
10. Eye drops (they love eye drops)
11. Ipod
12. Extra pair of knee highs (yup knee highs not panty hose)
13. Life preserver
14. Fire extinguisher...

Ok ok, now I'm just making it up but you get my point.
I say we start a replica of the "burning bras" era and burn purses instead.
Men don't need them, so why do we?
So! Who's with me?!

Smoker's Paradise

Attention all Smokers - Come to Japan!

Honestly, coming from NY where they have banned smoking in bars and clubs and even parks, I was flabbergasted to see what was going on here in Japan.

First, they say there is an age requirement to smoke. But, considering that cigarettes are dispensed from unattended vending machines, that age requirement must instead be a height requirement.
"If you're tall enough to reach the coin slot, then it's yours. "
Ironically, that excludes many of the adults too. =) kidding.

Second, cigarettes are dirt cheap here. In the US, a pack costs about $8 (800 yen). Here, a pack costs $2 (200yen). Given that a scoop of ice-cream is $5 (500yen), kids can't afford not to smoke.

There isn't any anti-smoking campaign here. No government pressure on Tobacco companies to regulate advertising policies. No media attention on smoker's death rates.

But there is some effort toward smoke awareness in Japan.

Most restaurants have smoking sections and non smoking sections. Never mind that the smoking tables are placed right next to the non smoking tables, it's the thought that counts.

Then they passed a law about smoking and walking. I think you get fined $20 (2,000yen) if you're caught smoking and walking in some areas. As an alternative, they've built small smoking posts at some spots and full-fledged smoking booths at others. This way, you can enjoy your smokes outside... on the inside!

Finally, to complete the utopia of this smoker's paradise, most companies (including mine) provide smoking rooms in the office fully equipped with the finest air filters available. Good stuff right?

Actually, I would love to be in charge of Japan's tourism campaign. I have lots of good ideas that I'm happy to share.

For example:

1. "Want to die on your own terms? Come to Japan."
2. "All I can afford are cigarettes. Come to Japan."
3. "Prisoners of nicotine, Come to Japan."
4. "Got a Light? Come to Japan."

I can go on like this all day long... So! Do I have a job?

Sumo

Went to my first Sumo tournament this month. This was one of the must-do items on my list and I was dying from excitement.

After you get over the initial "I can see your butt" shock, you start to feel like you're apart of something really special. It's not a diaper shoving contest. It is in fact a martial art with all the rituals and fighting techniques associated with one.

There is said to be hundreds of defined moves but only a few has won a match when used. Actually, I watched the matches very closely to see if I could identify some of those moves.

This is what I came up with:
1. the bulldozer
2. the bear hug
3. the diaper tug
4. the bitch slap
5. the stop, drop and roll
6. the ring around the poesy

But seriously, besides just being heavy and strong, they are surprisingly limber, shapely and flexible. They are also very superstitious. Wrestlers toss powdered salt over and over into the ring to purify it before they fight.

Not only that, but women are not allowed to enter or even touch the ring as it is considered unlucky. I don't know how they came to that conclusion but, with the fear of deportation, I didn't want to be the first to test it out.

That superstition will have to remain intact, at least for now.

Myth or Fact - Part 1- Japan is The Safest Place

FACT - I do feel safer here.

Japan is not without crime, but the crimes here are less random. "Crimes of Passion" is how I would classify them. As long as I don't piss people off, I should live to see another day.

Here are some news highlights from this week's Metropolis Magazine.

• A 37-year-old unemployed man from Osaka admitted cutting up his dead mother’s body, grilling the pieces on an electric hotplate, setting them in concrete and leaving them in the backyard after she bugged him about getting a job. He said he thought if he grilled the body parts they wouldn’t smell.

• The Kanagawa government was ordered to pay ¥5.5 million to the family of a man who died after police left him injured inside his jeep, which had been involved in an accident. The police, who moved the damaged vehicle off the road with the unconscious man inside, said they thought he was asleep.

• A woman from Nara Prefecture who played pop music at top volume for two and a half years to annoy her neighbors was sent to jail.

• A Sapporo Department store planning an exhibition about people abducted by North Korea canceled the event after it received letters threatening its staff and customers.

• A 70-year-old man turned himself into the police after strangling his wife with the cord of an electric water pot. He said he was exhausted from nursing the sick woman.

• A 78-year-old woman and her 49-year-old daughter starved to death in Kitakyushu. Another daughter, age 47, was taken to the hospital too emaciated to walk and said she hadn’t eaten for two months. It is thought that the mother had been dead for more than a year by the time she was found by the police.

• A 15-year-old boy admitted killing his 13-year-old girlfriend in a vacant pachinko parlor by strangling her then hitting her with a piece of wood. He declined to give a reason.

What's in that?

Out of all the things I've told you, maybe this one is the best advice so far. You sort of take stuff for granted in the West. A pizza has cheese and pepperoni and a burger has lettuce and tomato. But I'm telling you, leave nothing to assumption here.

Repeat after me, "What's in that?"
Oh, I'm glad you asked...

- Pizza with tuna, eggs and sweet corn
- Burger with a runny egg, heavy mayo
- Chicken and rice with a raw egg on top
- Tuna fish sandwich with ketchup
- Green tea and pickles over rice

I've had them all and more. Yum! :-s Pics below.

Rock, Paper,... Plastic?

I may lose some of my best Japanese friends for what I'm about to confess today. The truth is, I don't recycle! I can feel the backlash already.

The thing is, I just can't fit 6 different bins in my little kitchen. And recycling in Japan is the most complex system I've ever seen which requires a lot more brain power than I'm able to spare.

Still, I always feel guilty when I go to take my trash down. I try to go when it's all clear to make a swift dump and run.


Sorting includes:
- Paper
- Plastic
- Cans
- Boxes
- PET bottles
- Burnables
- Non Burnables... Did I miss anything?

So let's say you go to Wendy's for a quick refreshing drink. When it's all done, the straw goes in "plastics" but the straw wrapper goes in "paper". Then, you dump the ice and left over drink in "liquids", the cup in "burnable", and the lid in "plastic". Phew!

"How about you just shoot some soda straight into my mouth from behind the counter and let's call it a day..."

Now can you see my dilemma? I can barely get the garbage directly into the trash can without all this added pressure. If you ask me, everything is burnable. Paper - burnable. Plastic - burnable. Weapons of mass destruction - burnable! :-s

Don't get me wrong, I love Mother Earth too. But this is a bit excessive.

House of Mystery

7 months. Not quite an anniversary but it is 7 months. As I laid down last night I couldn't help but reflect on the first few nights in my new apartment in Japan. It was just dreadful.

I love this apartment because of all the gadgetry and technology. And I hate this apartment with all this gadgetry and technology. The problem really isn't the gadgets, but rather the manuals, remotes and buttons that are all in Japanese and only in Japanese. So, as you would expect, just figuring out how to use everything was a big challenge.


1. The heater: I could only get it to blow COLD air.
2. The toilet: It shot water in my face.
3. The microwave/oven: My food wasn't getting warm.
4. The built in bathroom dryer: what are all these buttons for?
5. The TV remote: I just need to switch the voice-overs to English.
6. The bathtub: It literally talks to me but I don't know what it's saying!
7. The washing machine: Somebody get it to stop that beeping!

The intercom, the water heater, the delivery box, the automatic lights and even my cell phone. On and on it went for weeks.

But everything is gravy now. One day I gathered all my manuals and remote controls and took them work. It was a community effort and now my house of mystery isn't so mysterious anymore.

The Big Willy

I didn't make it to this year's Willy festival but I'm happy to report that they changed the color of the main attraction from pink to black. I bet that, after much consideration, the giant dildo committee realized that nothing that size can ever be pink.

So what's the story behind the big willy you ask?

Version 1 says that it's to celebrate the death of a female demon that liked to bite off men's privates. A monk fashioned an iron willy and it shattered her teeth as she tried to get a little nibble.

Version 2 says that the area had many of the "ladies of the night" and they had the festival to pray for protection against STDs. But today, the festival is used to raise funds for HIV/AIDS.

Things to do and see at the festival:
- See the traditional dancing and drumming
- Get hand-carved, organ-shaped turnips
- Buy an array of seductive candies and trinkets
- Hug and kiss the mighty Iron for good luck
- Watch the transvestite, gays & lesbians... (lesbians? get 'em outta here!)
- And of course, Ride the Wooden Stick of Looove

But whether it's version 1 or version 2 or both, one thing is for sure - these people are wah-wah-Wacky.

Pretty Flowers

I've gotten so used to seeing the place looking barren and grey that it's visually shocking now that spring is here. It seems to have happened overnight actually. One day I woke up and everything was in bloom, beautiful and alive.

This is Hanami Season - Cherry Blossom viewing. Japan is shaped like a croissant and the blossoms start from the bottom of the island and makes it way to the top. (It reminds me of the stadium wave at baseball or basketball game.) And Tokyo is in the fattest, yummiest part of the croissant somewhere at the edge.

The blooms only last but 2 weeks and it is vigorously celebrated. I never got into it when I lived in DC, but the Japanese really get a kick out of it and you can't help but get excited also.

Hundreds line up (including me), at any one time, just for the chance to see the prettiest blossoms in the city. Companies entrust their young hires with the special task of finding and holding the best spots under the trees until the managers can join. People picnic, drink, and lounge for hours.

And of course no celebration would be complete without the vendors. Tons of them selling all sorts of food (traditional or not), cooked fresh right in front of you. It's great to watch. Even if you don't like the taste of everything, it's also great to try.

Ahhh yes, spring...

Spin-cercise

With all the rice and noodles I have to eat now, it's no surprise that I desperately need to hit the gym.

At first I planned to talk about how it took me 2 hours to get signed up as I struggled with the Japanese/English issue. Then I thought I could talk about the special locker rooms and gym etiquette. Then I would top it all off with a piece on the flat butts I have to stare at.

Instead, I just need to air my frustrations on the aerobic classes I've taken. Besides feeling like a deaf girl taking an aerobics class - as the instructions are all in Japanese - I just can't get a proper workout.

First, I took a beginners class to sort of ease into the whole get in shape thing. But the extent of the routine was "grapevine, pivot, spin, march". 45 minutes of this and I didn't even sweat. I was very disappointed.

The second time I decided to do a higher level. Surely, the higher the level, the better the workout, the more in pain I should be. Right? But not here - oh no no no. Here, the various levels only indicate how dizzy you will be afterwards.

"Pivot, spin, grapevine, twirl, and mambo and twirl, and mambo and spin..."

"Huh? Am I missing something here? Exactly which muscles are we working?
Please can we do just one crunch or a push up? Pretty please. How about a squat?" I begged silently.

Now that I really think about it, the different levels must indicate the degree of gayness in the male instructors. I've been instructed my many guys over the years and never have I been told to "mambo and twirl". Oh I get it now! The higher the level, the greater the gayness and, hence, an increase in the number of spins.

Alrighty then, why didn't you just say so? Where's the yoga class?! :-s