House of Mystery

7 months. Not quite an anniversary but it is 7 months. As I laid down last night I couldn't help but reflect on the first few nights in my new apartment in Japan. It was just dreadful.

I love this apartment because of all the gadgetry and technology. And I hate this apartment with all this gadgetry and technology. The problem really isn't the gadgets, but rather the manuals, remotes and buttons that are all in Japanese and only in Japanese. So, as you would expect, just figuring out how to use everything was a big challenge.


1. The heater: I could only get it to blow COLD air.
2. The toilet: It shot water in my face.
3. The microwave/oven: My food wasn't getting warm.
4. The built in bathroom dryer: what are all these buttons for?
5. The TV remote: I just need to switch the voice-overs to English.
6. The bathtub: It literally talks to me but I don't know what it's saying!
7. The washing machine: Somebody get it to stop that beeping!

The intercom, the water heater, the delivery box, the automatic lights and even my cell phone. On and on it went for weeks.

But everything is gravy now. One day I gathered all my manuals and remote controls and took them work. It was a community effort and now my house of mystery isn't so mysterious anymore.

The Big Willy

I didn't make it to this year's Willy festival but I'm happy to report that they changed the color of the main attraction from pink to black. I bet that, after much consideration, the giant dildo committee realized that nothing that size can ever be pink.

So what's the story behind the big willy you ask?

Version 1 says that it's to celebrate the death of a female demon that liked to bite off men's privates. A monk fashioned an iron willy and it shattered her teeth as she tried to get a little nibble.

Version 2 says that the area had many of the "ladies of the night" and they had the festival to pray for protection against STDs. But today, the festival is used to raise funds for HIV/AIDS.

Things to do and see at the festival:
- See the traditional dancing and drumming
- Get hand-carved, organ-shaped turnips
- Buy an array of seductive candies and trinkets
- Hug and kiss the mighty Iron for good luck
- Watch the transvestite, gays & lesbians... (lesbians? get 'em outta here!)
- And of course, Ride the Wooden Stick of Looove

But whether it's version 1 or version 2 or both, one thing is for sure - these people are wah-wah-Wacky.

Pretty Flowers

I've gotten so used to seeing the place looking barren and grey that it's visually shocking now that spring is here. It seems to have happened overnight actually. One day I woke up and everything was in bloom, beautiful and alive.

This is Hanami Season - Cherry Blossom viewing. Japan is shaped like a croissant and the blossoms start from the bottom of the island and makes it way to the top. (It reminds me of the stadium wave at baseball or basketball game.) And Tokyo is in the fattest, yummiest part of the croissant somewhere at the edge.

The blooms only last but 2 weeks and it is vigorously celebrated. I never got into it when I lived in DC, but the Japanese really get a kick out of it and you can't help but get excited also.

Hundreds line up (including me), at any one time, just for the chance to see the prettiest blossoms in the city. Companies entrust their young hires with the special task of finding and holding the best spots under the trees until the managers can join. People picnic, drink, and lounge for hours.

And of course no celebration would be complete without the vendors. Tons of them selling all sorts of food (traditional or not), cooked fresh right in front of you. It's great to watch. Even if you don't like the taste of everything, it's also great to try.

Ahhh yes, spring...

Spin-cercise

With all the rice and noodles I have to eat now, it's no surprise that I desperately need to hit the gym.

At first I planned to talk about how it took me 2 hours to get signed up as I struggled with the Japanese/English issue. Then I thought I could talk about the special locker rooms and gym etiquette. Then I would top it all off with a piece on the flat butts I have to stare at.

Instead, I just need to air my frustrations on the aerobic classes I've taken. Besides feeling like a deaf girl taking an aerobics class - as the instructions are all in Japanese - I just can't get a proper workout.

First, I took a beginners class to sort of ease into the whole get in shape thing. But the extent of the routine was "grapevine, pivot, spin, march". 45 minutes of this and I didn't even sweat. I was very disappointed.

The second time I decided to do a higher level. Surely, the higher the level, the better the workout, the more in pain I should be. Right? But not here - oh no no no. Here, the various levels only indicate how dizzy you will be afterwards.

"Pivot, spin, grapevine, twirl, and mambo and twirl, and mambo and spin..."

"Huh? Am I missing something here? Exactly which muscles are we working?
Please can we do just one crunch or a push up? Pretty please. How about a squat?" I begged silently.

Now that I really think about it, the different levels must indicate the degree of gayness in the male instructors. I've been instructed my many guys over the years and never have I been told to "mambo and twirl". Oh I get it now! The higher the level, the greater the gayness and, hence, an increase in the number of spins.

Alrighty then, why didn't you just say so? Where's the yoga class?! :-s

Seaweed Heaven

ahhhhhhhhhhh... Sorry, I just had the most relaxing weekend and I can't contain myself. ahhhhhhhhhhh
Ok, it's out of my system, now down to business.

It was a girl's day out, and three of us travelled two hours to get to this magical place. It's a spa - a different kind of spa - that uses seawater, varying levels of water pressure, and sea weed to relax and refresh you.

Treatment 1 - Seaweed wrap. They smeared my body with a seaweed mixture and wrapped me in plastic and a heated blanket to nourish my skin and draw out impurities.

Treatment 2 - Water Exercise. They used a combination of hot and freezing cold water to improve blood circulation. They also used jets of seawater and key body movements to target muscles we usually neglect.

Treatment 3 - Seaweed lunch? Yes, I had a bowl of seaweed soup. It's supposed to have anti-cancer effects and provides soluble fiber and omega 3 fats and promotes thyroid health. But tasted like a bowl of hot seawater to me.

Treatment 4 - Water Massage. They submerged my body in a tub of water and a handsome Japanese guy used high water pressure to massage my entire body: head to toe. No hands, only water, and it was gooood. And I got a quick lesson on the Japanese names for body parts.

Treatment 5 - The pool of Eden. Sure to be related to the Garden of Eden. The pool is constructed so intricately that each different spot, wherever you stand, treats a different part of your body. All of it filled with nothing else but 100% fresh Seawater.

At the end of it all, I felt like a new woman. Even though the trek back home was painful, it was well worth it and I'd definitely do it again.

Lesson in Illiteracy

By now you should be able to tell that I'm learning a lot of things here. Among them, a lesson in illiteracy.

I have a new found respect for people who can't read and still find ways to live independently. I have respect because I'm illiterate and it's so hard to just get by. I can't read one thing: no signs, menus, labels, nothing.

One incident stands out in my mind. It was the perfect Saturday morning and I wanted breakfast - banana pancakes to be exact. So I lovingly mash the ripe bananas and prepare the mixture just right. Then I laboured over the hot stove until they were golden brown and fragrant. Then I sat back, relaxed, took a bite and then... YUCK! I bought salt not sugar! Awww man, all that hard work down the drain.

I blame that mean shopkeeper. She knows that I can't read. Why didn't she warn me? Why would I need a 5 pound bag of salt? Do I look like I own a restaurant?

What makes it even trickier is that several products are packaged the exact same way. Between my friends and I, we have bought miso soup paste instead of peanut butter. We've bought soup instead of milk. Also bought vinegar instead of soy sauce and salad dressing instead of cooking oil.

This has been the pattern of my daily life - full of mystery and suspense.

And The Lesson? Well, Illiteracy is expensive.

Cook it your Damn Self

So I'm here in this new place and of course I want to try all the exotic food and cooking. Then why are they making me cook it myself? More importantly, why am I giving them all my money to do this? Shouldn't I be the one getting paid? Enough of me griping...

First stop: Shabu-Shabu.

We all sit around this table with built in electric burners. Then servers beautifully dressed in kimonos bring in copper bowls which we'll be using to make our meals for the night. First came the crabs, which I quickly tried to eat raw before I realized what the copper bowls were for. Then came huge platters of various vegetables and noodles along with the most perfect slices of beef. It felt like an endless stream of food, all cooked communal style in the same pot of boiling water.

Cost: 7,000 yen ($70)

Second stop: Okonomiyaki.

The table in this place has an electric grill instead of a burner. Here we make Japanese-style pancakes - the scariest pancakes I've ever seen. This one is not for picky eaters. You get these bowls with all sorts of unidentifiable objects to be mixed in and grilled. It's impossible to pick it apart to remove all suspicious objects. The mixtures are made into big fat pancakes and coated with Japanese barbecue sauce, swirled with mayonnaise and then topped with dried fish flakes. It wasn't too bad. Of course it was also accompanied with lots of vegetables, seafood, and sausages.

Cost: 6,000 yen ($60)

Great! Now I need more cash...

Pray for the Girls

This entry comes to you a little late. I prefer to prepare you in advance and give everyone a chance to participate. Fortunately, this is something that can be done and should be done all year round. On March 3rd, we pray for the girls.

There's a very interesting story behind it. As it was told to me, many years ago Japan had a very high infant mortality rate. Particularly among girls, it was a special event if they made it to their 3rd birthday.

Distressed parents frequently asked healers to pray for the health and long life of their babies. They would remove the evil spirits and transfer bad luck and sickness to the dolls. Afterwards, they would throw the dolls into the river or sea.

Today, families buy these elaborate dolls so that little girls would grow up healthy and beautiful. They are ceremonial dolls and kids don't play with them like Barbie dolls. Rather, they are handed down like an heirloom and taken out to display only once a year for a few days. And they cost a mint! Believe me.

The full doll sets are usually arranged on a five or seven-tiered stand covered with a red carpet. At the top are the Emperor and Empress. The next step contains three court ladies, followed by five musicians, two ministers, and three servants ending the bottom row in a five-tiered display. There are also small pieces of furniture, small meal dishes, and other things. How much? More than 1million yen ($10,000) Wait! For that price, where's the cowboy, the police, and the indian chief?

Yes, yes I agree that there should be a day to pray for the boys. But hey, sugar and spice and all things nice, that's what little girls are made of.

Rub a dub dub not in the Tub

I'm taking you back in my bathroom again. Out of my 40m2 apartment, I swear the bathroom takes up a solid 1/3 of it... maybe more. It's big. Bathrooms are much more important than kitchens here.

Typically you'll find the toilet in a room, the wash basin in another room and then the shower and tub in yet another. Phew, that's a lot of rooms. Once, when I was stumbling around at 2am, I realized that I didn't want all those rooms when I almost peed in the tub. My apartment just has a two-room bathroom: toilet & basin and shower & tub.

My instruction to you today is on how to take a bath. Whatever you do, don't shower in the tub. The tub is meant for relaxation. What you do instead is stand outside the tub - yes on the ground - and take your shower there. I feel so naughty doing it sometimes. But, it is such a liberating feeling to shower on the floor. I'm telling you, you need to break free of those pesty shower curtains.

Then after you clean yourself you get into the tub, which are super deep, to soak and relax. No soap, no bubble. It's just a wonderful thing. Gosh now I feel like I need one...

I think that's all I have to mention... except a story of course.

Ok remember some weeks back I introduced you to this sweet old couple who took their very first trip outside of Japan. Remember how they pooped all over the bidet. Anyway, this time all they wanted to do was to freshen up. Of course they had to take a shower the proper Japanese way. However, their family wasn't very happy to find that the old couple left the entire bathroom soaking wet - toilet paper and all - and the entire house flooded. Hehe =)

Fearless in Nagano

In honor of the 2006 Winter Olympics going on in Torino, we traveled to Nagano - home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.

It's embarrassing to admit that the first time I went skiing I had to be rescued off a mountain by the ski patrol! It's a long story and yes that really did happen. :-o Nevertheless, after much consideration, I decided that I needed to give it another go and face my fears. To prepare for this great feat, I got a little liquored up on the Shinkansen ride (the bullet train).

I felt fine until I actually got there; and then my nerves started to kick in. Still, what really sent me over the top was when I realized that our ski instructor couldn't speak English! Ahhh, ok then let's begin.

Needless to say, we had a bit of communication difficulty throughout the entire lesson. On the bunny slope we couldn't figure out whether he was saying start or stop. To us it sounded like "starp." You can imagine what sort of mess it caused. We were crashing into him and crashing into each other and crashing into nothing too.

With that, we were ready for the next level. Like a pro, I'm tripping over my skis and falling on my butt all the way to the bottom. At times I felt tortured.

I'd scream "Arrgghh" and the instructor would say "arrgghh."
I'd say "Ouch" and he'd repeat "Ouch."
I said "Mister, do you understand that I'm in pain?" And he just smiled and left me there. :-s
I'm happy to report that I'm still alive.

At the end of my second day on the snow, I was practicing on my own and taking the lifts on my own. And, although I have lots more to learn, I felt like a champ in my own right for conquering my fears. =)

Men First?

Ok, this entry is an odd one. There is going to be some loving and some hating all at the same time.

The Japanese have had many great ideas, but this isn't one of them. They've gone and made Valentine's day a men's only event. I wonder who came up with that bright idea. I feel cheated - cheated out of good chocolates and gifts.

Instead, I'm supposed to give gifts and chocolates to guys. I'm supposed to give giri choco (obligatory chocolate) to all my male superiors at work. And of course honmei choco (love chocolate) to the guy I'm serious about. You would be happy to know that I did my duty and gave all the guys at work a kit-kat.

What do women get? On Feb 14th, not a darn thing. But on Mar 14th, we get everything. They call it White day when the men reciprocate with even more expensive chocolates and gifts. I quite like that idea but why can't we get both days? Why do we have to share? And why do the men get to go first?

To something totally unrelated to V'day, I was confused when I heard a Japanese lady say "you know as they say men first..." No lady! No no no, they say women first not men. Get your brain right. But that mentality is manifested in daily life here.

When I'm walking to the train, men take up all the space on the sidewalk. And when there is only enough walking room for one, they never offer it to me. There I am thinking "Hey, don't you see a lady walking, step aside!" At the same time they are thinking "Hey, don't you see a man walking, step aside!"

Now I'm convinced that there is talk about the black girl in Tsukiji because when they don't give me enough room to walk I just push them down. And, when only one person can fit, I stare them down until they move.

You see, my mama never taught me to let men go first.
Well... My mama never taught me to push them down either. That part just comes naturally.

Your Shoes Please

My entry today is a little lesson on proper etiquette- shoes etiquette. Don't worry, I'll tell you all that you need to know. First, you MUST remove your shoes when entering a Japanese home. Second... ummm, Ok that's all there is but it's important.

There isn't a special way to do it, just take 'em off. When you first step in the door, there is a designated shoe removal area. You leave your shoes there and, more often than not, will be provided with house slippers. But if your intention is to p*ss people off, then go right ahead and tread all over the good floors with your filth. :-)

Sometimes it's a bother to do this whole shoe ritual but I absolutely love the shoe closets here. They go from floor to ceiling, are nice and wide and conveniently located next to the designated shoe removal area.

I was surprised to find that many other places also require that I display the holes in my socks. In the doctor's office, in some restaurants, and even before you go into a dressing room to try on that cute top, your shoes must come off.

During my apartment search, I had to take my shoes off before going in to see each and every apartment. And, can you believe that even when I signed my lease the apartment manager made me take off my shoes? :-O "It's MY place!" I wanted to say " MINE! MOI!" So, anyway, I don't wear my shoes in the house anymore :-( ...

Finally, I'll share with you a story I was told about a village that was being assaulted by one burglary after another. Everyone was outraged - outraged that these thieves were not taking their shoes off before coming into the house. Forget the TV and money that they stole, how dare these people bring dirt into the house?! The community rallied against these rude bandits... I can't remember if they were caught, but that's not the point of the story.

As I was saying before, the community rallied and took swift action to make sure this never happens again by launching a cartoon series depicting thieves taking their shoes off before robbing a house.

The goal - to teach criminals of the future some good old wholesome values. :-s

Chinatown

HAPPY NEW YEAR... Again? Yup, Ain't that grand. I get to do it twice this year - a second chance to get my resolutions started right.

Unfortunately, the Chinese New Year isn't observed here. And, I think we are the only Asian country that are made to work all this week. =( Still, my friend and I didn't let that bother us and headed down to Chinatown to see the parade.

To westerners it seems strange to have a Chinatown in Japan. However, while they are some similarities, the Chinese and Japanese cultures are very different from each other. This Chinatown is said to be the world's biggest. And even though I can't exactly vouch for the whole world, it's the biggest I've ever seen and the closest replica of the real thing.

Once the parade got started, a metal box of exploding fireworks was pulled down the street. The fireworks are used to wake up the dragon who will fly across the sky to bring the spring rain for the crops and also to scare away all evil spirits and misfortunes from coming into the new year.

After the fireworks came marching several couples in Chinese style costumes followed by musicians. Then came a variety of Chinese dragons. Ah yes the dragons: short and long, big and small in a multitude of colors. The long dragons were being carried by 7 or more guys and the performance was extremely well synchronize. It was like the world Olympics of dragon twirling. They were swooping, swirling, shimmying, and shaking. It was great.

To cap it all off, we got caught in a shoving match between all the people trying to leave the parade and those trying to get into the parade. The narrow streets just weren't big enough for both of them. In the end, the people trying to leave the parade won and just a few feet away was a man keen on practicing his English shouting "Mother F'ers!"

The Toilet Shower

This section is dedicated to the famous "electric toilet inventor" man... Whatshisface.

I've seen three types of toilets here. First is the western style. This is the one that we all know and love.

Second is the traditional Japanese Style. I saw one once and was too scared to use it but managed to take a picture for my readers. It's basically a hole in the ground - a toilet with no seat. I took one look at that thing and in a split second I realized that that is not something I want to try. Only two things could happen to me in that stall. Either I stoop too low and fall right into the hole or I don't stoop low enough and spray myself. Both are Unacceptable!

Lastly is the mother of all toilet bowls - the modern Japanese style. I like to call it "The Mighty Throne", "The Full Service Seat" or "The Toilet Shower". It's amazing how many things it can do. You can adjust the seat temperature, which I'm keeping nice and warm all winter long. This seat can wash your butt, wash a woman's delicate area and then blows air to dry it all up. It also deodorizes while you use the seat. You can even change the flushing sounds and adjust the volume! Gosh, the only thing it doesn't do is pull up my undies afterwards.

Needless to say, these special chairs are very special to me. It's gotten to a point where I go out with friends and the food could be great, the company great, the music great, but if I go into the bathroom and see a western toilet... "What?! Where's the Electric Toilet?! What kind of DUMP is this place? I'm never coming back here again!"

But there's a story a coworker told me that I must share.

An old Japanese couple traveled to the UK to visit some family for the very first time. It's their first time outside of Japan. So when they get to the house, the old man goes to use the bathroom. Confused, he sh*ts all over the bidet and shouts "I can't get this darn toilet to flush!"
True Story

The Fish Market

So my friend calls me and says, "Hey, you wanna come along to see the famous Tsukiji Fish Market...?"
"Sure!" I said
"...At 5 in the morning...?"
"Ahhh, ok."
"...Before work tomorrow?"
"Absolutely NOT!"

Needless to say, I went anyway.

It's hard to explain the market only because there's so much activity happening all at once. First of all, as you walk towards the market it doesn't look like a place where a lady should be caught walking alone. But you turn the corner and all of a sudden it's brimming with stalls, bustling business men, merchants hauling goods by cart or machine and of course live and dead sea life.

We sort of shuffled our way through the market, trying to stay out of the way and avoid getting run over by the men going about their usual business.

I saw live squid for the first time trying to escape from their bucket prison. I got splashed by some lovely fish juice as they got gutted alive. I saw octopus, crab, shrimp, huge muscles, clams. Regardless of whether it moves or not, if it's in the sea it will be eaten.

We made our way to the auction area where these giant pieces of tuna were being bid on. I have no idea what they were saying but that didn't reduce my excitement one bit. I was amazed by the sheer number of tuna being showcased in the open warehouse. Tuna for days and days. click here

Finally, we ended the tour at a popular sushi shop. Because it was a weekday we didn't have any trouble getting seated. However, on the weekends I'm told people line up at 5am and wait for hours just to get the fresh sushi breakfast.

Did I eat it? You better believe I ate it. Almost everything... they're just some things I won't do. ;-)

So although I had to suffer through the rest of the day on my lack of sleep, my morning at the fish market was Hmmm Mmm Good!