Lesson in Illiteracy

By now you should be able to tell that I'm learning a lot of things here. Among them, a lesson in illiteracy.

I have a new found respect for people who can't read and still find ways to live independently. I have respect because I'm illiterate and it's so hard to just get by. I can't read one thing: no signs, menus, labels, nothing.

One incident stands out in my mind. It was the perfect Saturday morning and I wanted breakfast - banana pancakes to be exact. So I lovingly mash the ripe bananas and prepare the mixture just right. Then I laboured over the hot stove until they were golden brown and fragrant. Then I sat back, relaxed, took a bite and then... YUCK! I bought salt not sugar! Awww man, all that hard work down the drain.

I blame that mean shopkeeper. She knows that I can't read. Why didn't she warn me? Why would I need a 5 pound bag of salt? Do I look like I own a restaurant?

What makes it even trickier is that several products are packaged the exact same way. Between my friends and I, we have bought miso soup paste instead of peanut butter. We've bought soup instead of milk. Also bought vinegar instead of soy sauce and salad dressing instead of cooking oil.

This has been the pattern of my daily life - full of mystery and suspense.

And The Lesson? Well, Illiteracy is expensive.

Cook it your Damn Self

So I'm here in this new place and of course I want to try all the exotic food and cooking. Then why are they making me cook it myself? More importantly, why am I giving them all my money to do this? Shouldn't I be the one getting paid? Enough of me griping...

First stop: Shabu-Shabu.

We all sit around this table with built in electric burners. Then servers beautifully dressed in kimonos bring in copper bowls which we'll be using to make our meals for the night. First came the crabs, which I quickly tried to eat raw before I realized what the copper bowls were for. Then came huge platters of various vegetables and noodles along with the most perfect slices of beef. It felt like an endless stream of food, all cooked communal style in the same pot of boiling water.

Cost: 7,000 yen ($70)

Second stop: Okonomiyaki.

The table in this place has an electric grill instead of a burner. Here we make Japanese-style pancakes - the scariest pancakes I've ever seen. This one is not for picky eaters. You get these bowls with all sorts of unidentifiable objects to be mixed in and grilled. It's impossible to pick it apart to remove all suspicious objects. The mixtures are made into big fat pancakes and coated with Japanese barbecue sauce, swirled with mayonnaise and then topped with dried fish flakes. It wasn't too bad. Of course it was also accompanied with lots of vegetables, seafood, and sausages.

Cost: 6,000 yen ($60)

Great! Now I need more cash...

Pray for the Girls

This entry comes to you a little late. I prefer to prepare you in advance and give everyone a chance to participate. Fortunately, this is something that can be done and should be done all year round. On March 3rd, we pray for the girls.

There's a very interesting story behind it. As it was told to me, many years ago Japan had a very high infant mortality rate. Particularly among girls, it was a special event if they made it to their 3rd birthday.

Distressed parents frequently asked healers to pray for the health and long life of their babies. They would remove the evil spirits and transfer bad luck and sickness to the dolls. Afterwards, they would throw the dolls into the river or sea.

Today, families buy these elaborate dolls so that little girls would grow up healthy and beautiful. They are ceremonial dolls and kids don't play with them like Barbie dolls. Rather, they are handed down like an heirloom and taken out to display only once a year for a few days. And they cost a mint! Believe me.

The full doll sets are usually arranged on a five or seven-tiered stand covered with a red carpet. At the top are the Emperor and Empress. The next step contains three court ladies, followed by five musicians, two ministers, and three servants ending the bottom row in a five-tiered display. There are also small pieces of furniture, small meal dishes, and other things. How much? More than 1million yen ($10,000) Wait! For that price, where's the cowboy, the police, and the indian chief?

Yes, yes I agree that there should be a day to pray for the boys. But hey, sugar and spice and all things nice, that's what little girls are made of.

Rub a dub dub not in the Tub

I'm taking you back in my bathroom again. Out of my 40m2 apartment, I swear the bathroom takes up a solid 1/3 of it... maybe more. It's big. Bathrooms are much more important than kitchens here.

Typically you'll find the toilet in a room, the wash basin in another room and then the shower and tub in yet another. Phew, that's a lot of rooms. Once, when I was stumbling around at 2am, I realized that I didn't want all those rooms when I almost peed in the tub. My apartment just has a two-room bathroom: toilet & basin and shower & tub.

My instruction to you today is on how to take a bath. Whatever you do, don't shower in the tub. The tub is meant for relaxation. What you do instead is stand outside the tub - yes on the ground - and take your shower there. I feel so naughty doing it sometimes. But, it is such a liberating feeling to shower on the floor. I'm telling you, you need to break free of those pesty shower curtains.

Then after you clean yourself you get into the tub, which are super deep, to soak and relax. No soap, no bubble. It's just a wonderful thing. Gosh now I feel like I need one...

I think that's all I have to mention... except a story of course.

Ok remember some weeks back I introduced you to this sweet old couple who took their very first trip outside of Japan. Remember how they pooped all over the bidet. Anyway, this time all they wanted to do was to freshen up. Of course they had to take a shower the proper Japanese way. However, their family wasn't very happy to find that the old couple left the entire bathroom soaking wet - toilet paper and all - and the entire house flooded. Hehe =)

Fearless in Nagano

In honor of the 2006 Winter Olympics going on in Torino, we traveled to Nagano - home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.

It's embarrassing to admit that the first time I went skiing I had to be rescued off a mountain by the ski patrol! It's a long story and yes that really did happen. :-o Nevertheless, after much consideration, I decided that I needed to give it another go and face my fears. To prepare for this great feat, I got a little liquored up on the Shinkansen ride (the bullet train).

I felt fine until I actually got there; and then my nerves started to kick in. Still, what really sent me over the top was when I realized that our ski instructor couldn't speak English! Ahhh, ok then let's begin.

Needless to say, we had a bit of communication difficulty throughout the entire lesson. On the bunny slope we couldn't figure out whether he was saying start or stop. To us it sounded like "starp." You can imagine what sort of mess it caused. We were crashing into him and crashing into each other and crashing into nothing too.

With that, we were ready for the next level. Like a pro, I'm tripping over my skis and falling on my butt all the way to the bottom. At times I felt tortured.

I'd scream "Arrgghh" and the instructor would say "arrgghh."
I'd say "Ouch" and he'd repeat "Ouch."
I said "Mister, do you understand that I'm in pain?" And he just smiled and left me there. :-s
I'm happy to report that I'm still alive.

At the end of my second day on the snow, I was practicing on my own and taking the lifts on my own. And, although I have lots more to learn, I felt like a champ in my own right for conquering my fears. =)

Men First?

Ok, this entry is an odd one. There is going to be some loving and some hating all at the same time.

The Japanese have had many great ideas, but this isn't one of them. They've gone and made Valentine's day a men's only event. I wonder who came up with that bright idea. I feel cheated - cheated out of good chocolates and gifts.

Instead, I'm supposed to give gifts and chocolates to guys. I'm supposed to give giri choco (obligatory chocolate) to all my male superiors at work. And of course honmei choco (love chocolate) to the guy I'm serious about. You would be happy to know that I did my duty and gave all the guys at work a kit-kat.

What do women get? On Feb 14th, not a darn thing. But on Mar 14th, we get everything. They call it White day when the men reciprocate with even more expensive chocolates and gifts. I quite like that idea but why can't we get both days? Why do we have to share? And why do the men get to go first?

To something totally unrelated to V'day, I was confused when I heard a Japanese lady say "you know as they say men first..." No lady! No no no, they say women first not men. Get your brain right. But that mentality is manifested in daily life here.

When I'm walking to the train, men take up all the space on the sidewalk. And when there is only enough walking room for one, they never offer it to me. There I am thinking "Hey, don't you see a lady walking, step aside!" At the same time they are thinking "Hey, don't you see a man walking, step aside!"

Now I'm convinced that there is talk about the black girl in Tsukiji because when they don't give me enough room to walk I just push them down. And, when only one person can fit, I stare them down until they move.

You see, my mama never taught me to let men go first.
Well... My mama never taught me to push them down either. That part just comes naturally.

Your Shoes Please

My entry today is a little lesson on proper etiquette- shoes etiquette. Don't worry, I'll tell you all that you need to know. First, you MUST remove your shoes when entering a Japanese home. Second... ummm, Ok that's all there is but it's important.

There isn't a special way to do it, just take 'em off. When you first step in the door, there is a designated shoe removal area. You leave your shoes there and, more often than not, will be provided with house slippers. But if your intention is to p*ss people off, then go right ahead and tread all over the good floors with your filth. :-)

Sometimes it's a bother to do this whole shoe ritual but I absolutely love the shoe closets here. They go from floor to ceiling, are nice and wide and conveniently located next to the designated shoe removal area.

I was surprised to find that many other places also require that I display the holes in my socks. In the doctor's office, in some restaurants, and even before you go into a dressing room to try on that cute top, your shoes must come off.

During my apartment search, I had to take my shoes off before going in to see each and every apartment. And, can you believe that even when I signed my lease the apartment manager made me take off my shoes? :-O "It's MY place!" I wanted to say " MINE! MOI!" So, anyway, I don't wear my shoes in the house anymore :-( ...

Finally, I'll share with you a story I was told about a village that was being assaulted by one burglary after another. Everyone was outraged - outraged that these thieves were not taking their shoes off before coming into the house. Forget the TV and money that they stole, how dare these people bring dirt into the house?! The community rallied against these rude bandits... I can't remember if they were caught, but that's not the point of the story.

As I was saying before, the community rallied and took swift action to make sure this never happens again by launching a cartoon series depicting thieves taking their shoes off before robbing a house.

The goal - to teach criminals of the future some good old wholesome values. :-s

Chinatown

HAPPY NEW YEAR... Again? Yup, Ain't that grand. I get to do it twice this year - a second chance to get my resolutions started right.

Unfortunately, the Chinese New Year isn't observed here. And, I think we are the only Asian country that are made to work all this week. =( Still, my friend and I didn't let that bother us and headed down to Chinatown to see the parade.

To westerners it seems strange to have a Chinatown in Japan. However, while they are some similarities, the Chinese and Japanese cultures are very different from each other. This Chinatown is said to be the world's biggest. And even though I can't exactly vouch for the whole world, it's the biggest I've ever seen and the closest replica of the real thing.

Once the parade got started, a metal box of exploding fireworks was pulled down the street. The fireworks are used to wake up the dragon who will fly across the sky to bring the spring rain for the crops and also to scare away all evil spirits and misfortunes from coming into the new year.

After the fireworks came marching several couples in Chinese style costumes followed by musicians. Then came a variety of Chinese dragons. Ah yes the dragons: short and long, big and small in a multitude of colors. The long dragons were being carried by 7 or more guys and the performance was extremely well synchronize. It was like the world Olympics of dragon twirling. They were swooping, swirling, shimmying, and shaking. It was great.

To cap it all off, we got caught in a shoving match between all the people trying to leave the parade and those trying to get into the parade. The narrow streets just weren't big enough for both of them. In the end, the people trying to leave the parade won and just a few feet away was a man keen on practicing his English shouting "Mother F'ers!"

The Toilet Shower

This section is dedicated to the famous "electric toilet inventor" man... Whatshisface.

I've seen three types of toilets here. First is the western style. This is the one that we all know and love.

Second is the traditional Japanese Style. I saw one once and was too scared to use it but managed to take a picture for my readers. It's basically a hole in the ground - a toilet with no seat. I took one look at that thing and in a split second I realized that that is not something I want to try. Only two things could happen to me in that stall. Either I stoop too low and fall right into the hole or I don't stoop low enough and spray myself. Both are Unacceptable!

Lastly is the mother of all toilet bowls - the modern Japanese style. I like to call it "The Mighty Throne", "The Full Service Seat" or "The Toilet Shower". It's amazing how many things it can do. You can adjust the seat temperature, which I'm keeping nice and warm all winter long. This seat can wash your butt, wash a woman's delicate area and then blows air to dry it all up. It also deodorizes while you use the seat. You can even change the flushing sounds and adjust the volume! Gosh, the only thing it doesn't do is pull up my undies afterwards.

Needless to say, these special chairs are very special to me. It's gotten to a point where I go out with friends and the food could be great, the company great, the music great, but if I go into the bathroom and see a western toilet... "What?! Where's the Electric Toilet?! What kind of DUMP is this place? I'm never coming back here again!"

But there's a story a coworker told me that I must share.

An old Japanese couple traveled to the UK to visit some family for the very first time. It's their first time outside of Japan. So when they get to the house, the old man goes to use the bathroom. Confused, he sh*ts all over the bidet and shouts "I can't get this darn toilet to flush!"
True Story

The Fish Market

So my friend calls me and says, "Hey, you wanna come along to see the famous Tsukiji Fish Market...?"
"Sure!" I said
"...At 5 in the morning...?"
"Ahhh, ok."
"...Before work tomorrow?"
"Absolutely NOT!"

Needless to say, I went anyway.

It's hard to explain the market only because there's so much activity happening all at once. First of all, as you walk towards the market it doesn't look like a place where a lady should be caught walking alone. But you turn the corner and all of a sudden it's brimming with stalls, bustling business men, merchants hauling goods by cart or machine and of course live and dead sea life.

We sort of shuffled our way through the market, trying to stay out of the way and avoid getting run over by the men going about their usual business.

I saw live squid for the first time trying to escape from their bucket prison. I got splashed by some lovely fish juice as they got gutted alive. I saw octopus, crab, shrimp, huge muscles, clams. Regardless of whether it moves or not, if it's in the sea it will be eaten.

We made our way to the auction area where these giant pieces of tuna were being bid on. I have no idea what they were saying but that didn't reduce my excitement one bit. I was amazed by the sheer number of tuna being showcased in the open warehouse. Tuna for days and days. click here

Finally, we ended the tour at a popular sushi shop. Because it was a weekday we didn't have any trouble getting seated. However, on the weekends I'm told people line up at 5am and wait for hours just to get the fresh sushi breakfast.

Did I eat it? You better believe I ate it. Almost everything... they're just some things I won't do. ;-)

So although I had to suffer through the rest of the day on my lack of sleep, my morning at the fish market was Hmmm Mmm Good!

Animal Japanese

I have a few stories of being lost in translation. On this day I was simply a hungry woman wanting some food - pork to be exact.

There are various lunch boxes that you can buy with either chicken, pork, fish or vegan. Unfortunately, I don't know many Japanese words as yet and these "lunch ladies" didn't know many English words.

So in frustration, I proceeded to say "Pork, pork, I want a pig Oink, Oink!" Luckily it worked but I later learned that pigs don't say "oink oink" here. Instead they say "buu buu".

"Wow," I thought out loud. "Do all your animals speak Japanese?"

So here are the translations:

Pig = Buu Buu (oink)
Frog = Kero Kero (ribbit)
Dog = Wan Wan (woof )
Sheep = Mee Mee (baa)
Horse = Hihiin (nay)
Cat = Nyaa Nyaa (meow)
Mouse = Chuu Chuu ( squeek)
Rooster = Kokekokko (cock a doodle doo)

It appears only cows can't speak Japanese.
But we already know they aren't the smartest animals around.

Fortune Bags

This is my most favorite time of the year. SALE SEASON!
I didn't expect anything much since everything here is super expensive and 50% off of super expensive still equals expensive.

But like many things, the sale season is done a bit differently here. In addition to the regular "Sale" items, they've created these fortune bags (also called happy bags). They are like fortune cookies - you buy them for a set price and hope that there are good things inside.

Just about every type of store use fortune bags. You can get them with electronics, or jewelry, or clothes, or handbags, or toys. They can even be filled with groceries, or various types of bread. Even Starbucks was getting in on the action.

Shoppers line up hours in advance to get happy bags offered by the best department stores. In the past people have found fabulous surprises such as car keys and airline tickets. This year, someone got a night in a hotel and a ride in a Rolls Royce.

Most people go away very happy with their bags but not everyone. After all, these bags are designed to move inventory and are mostly filled with items that are not selling well.

For the sake of all my loyal readers... ok for my one loyal reader, I had to get a happy bag and see just how "happy" it can make me.

I bought one accessory bag from two different stores. The first I bought for 1,000yen ($10) and it contained 16 pieces approximately valued at $80. The second I bought for 2,000yen ($20) and it contained 6 pieces approximately valued at $120.

But it's addictive. You become addicted to the surprises and find yourself wanting to buy more and more just to see what else could be inside.


Was I happy? Yes Indeed!

The Japanese are brilliant. The whole world should be doing this!

How much for 2 Wishes an' A Prayer?

New Year celebration day 2.
My friend took me to a popular shrine in Harajuku. This was the total opposite to the reserved Temple I visited the night before. We traveled down a long walkway decorated with lanterns, sake barrels and tall wooden gateway structures. At the end of the walkway were these beautiful traditional buildings. I felt like I was in a movie and Jet Li was about to kick ass... but wait a minute this isn't China. Scratch that.


First, we washed or mouths and hands to purify ourselves before approaching the shrine. Then we sort of muscled our way to the front and threw some money and said a little prayer. Coins littered everywhere as people hurled money to the front not really caring where it landed. For this same reason, the police were outfitted with helmets and face guards and I made sure to protect my head.

Finally we proceeded to what I call "the wishing fair". Off to one side was the area where you can sign up, for a small fee, to have a priest say a prayer for you. At a booth you can buy charms that you throw at the shrine for specific needs such as success on an exam, success in love, good health, and more. At another booth you can buy charms to hang on your door. At another booth poems. My friend and I both bought a wishing board where you write as many wishes or prayers that you can fit on it. On it I made one wish for my family, one for a dear friend and one for myself.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness surely hasn't been to Japan for New Year's day.

Year of the Dog

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

If you could see the stores here it would be easy to see that this is the year of the dog. I'm talking about the Chinese Zodiac that rotates every 12 years. It's just like the western zodiac of Scorpio, Libra etc. To some that means nothing but to me it's interesting and fun.

So for those born under this zodiac sign, this is your lucky year. Congratulations! I know you're wondering now "Is this my lucky year?" Well let's see. If you were born in 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994 or 2006 then "Yes, yes it is."

This is the year for reflection and to assess ones values. This year will see various unusual changes but broadmindedness and fairness will be supported.

People born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of human nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets.

I'm a Ram/Goat. What animal are you? Click on the link and find out.

http://chinese.astrology.com/?ice=ast,tabchi,sign

New Year in the Temple

The New Year is celebrated a few different ways here depending on your religion. I welcomed 2006 Buddhist style. I actually live just 2 blocks away from the biggest temple in this area. So 30 minutes before the hour I just walked up in there like I was a regular hoping to blend in.

This is what happened in a nutshell. First, you are offered some sweet sake (rice wine) at the door. Second, you line up for your turn at the alter. Then once you get to the alter you bow, throw your money in the huge money box, say a prayer, take a pinch of "magic dust" and throw it into the bowl of burning incense. This I had to learn on the spot through observation as there wasn't anyone who could explain to me in English.

Of course there were chanting and gongs and a little sermon. I didn't know what they were saying but it was special nonetheless.

The celebration here was more solemn and reverent... at least at this temple. There was no countdown, no shouting and no hugging and kissing at the strike of midnight. It just quietly slipped into the new year.

Afterwards you could hear the bells ringing from all over the city for over an hour and a half. 180 bells I've been told. Cheers to the New Year.